Dark Jak Massacre
by The Imaginary One
Summary: A story containing 99.8% randomness generated from two people's twisted minds. Oh, the other 0.2% is currently being used for a small amount of storyline. Enjoy! Chapter 5 added!
1. A Normal Day

Disclaimer: I do not own Jak and Daxter, they are property of Naughty Dog

Chapter One:

A Normal Day

One peaceful day in Haven City, there was a MASSIVE FIGHT happening. Erol got bored so he started shooting some stuff and then Jak got mad and started shooting stuff as well, and then Keira nicked Jak's wallet and then Daxter found a stick and went SUPA NINJII on everyone. A pretty normal day, really.

After Jak had forcibly obtained his wallet back (Dark Jak can be VERY persuasive), he decided he would go down to the Hip Hog for a beer with his best friend, some random dude who will not have any other part in this fan fiction story whatsoever. Oh, and Daxter too. It's really easy to forget something if it's orange (take Jak's boxer shorts for example). It was quite peaceful, except for the massive punch up in the corner between Torn and the random dude that I said was not going to appear in this fan fic again, but I felt it was necessary.

"Hey, Dax, whaddaya want to drink?" asked Jak, half sober at this point. Only half.

"Umm... I dunno... maybe some Lurker Brew, and don't get any goatee hair in it." replied Daxter.

"Lurker Brew? Aww, come ON, you HAVE to order the most expensive thing here, don't you? Fine..." Jak returned to the bar and ordered some more drinks. Outside, currently, was Keira who was doing something completely unrelated to this story and is just being used as a filler whilst Jak got drinks. When Jak returned to his table, he was greeted by a familiar face (who should be dead). Baron Praxis. IN PINK FLUFFY UNDERWEAR. YES. YOU READ MY CAPS LOCK INFECTED WRITING CORRECTLY. PINK. FLUFFY. UNDERWEAR. And, that was the ONLY thing he was wearing. Luckily half of the bar had girlfriends and didn't really notice, but the other half were gay and had cameraphones.

"Hello, Jakkyboy"

"Why are you wearing only pink fluffy underwear?"

"Razor is washing my yellow pair"

"That wasn't really the answer I was looking for" replied Jak, "In fact, why am I even talking to you? I should be going Dark and completely annihilating you with my powers of ultimate evilyness AND darkyness AT THE SAME TIME!"

"No, I wouldn't do that. One, I'm a ghost, and two, you'd kill everybody in this bar." answered Praxis cleverly.

"OK, now I'm freaked out. EVERYBODY in the bar? Not just the gays? Oh, wait, I should be MORE freaked out that I'm talking to a ghost and everybody in the vicinity thinks I'm weird and talk to my self all the time."

"But you are weird and talk to yourself all the time."

"That's not the point. Why are you here?"

"I am here to take you on a journey of Dark self discovery."

"Dark self discovery?"

DUN DUN DUUUUUN!!!!!

What will happen? I dunno. Try again another time.

REVIEW!

P.S: PINK. FLUFFY. UNDERWEAR. Will no longer be said by the authors of this story. NOT!


	2. Sunshine, Lollipops and Dark Jak

Chapter 2:

Sunshine, Lollipops and Dark Jak

"So, Praxis, why are you here?"

"I just told you in the last chapter, dumbass"

"Oh, right, right. A journey of Dark self discovery... what does that mean?"

"I'll have to talk to you later for two reasons; one, Razor's started to ring my office number, and two, Daxter's back. Bye, Eco Freako!" Praxis disappeared in a whirl of fluffy pink underpants.

"Hey, Jak... braaaap... I met some nice girls back there..."

"Are you sure that they're into orange weasels that fell into vats of Dark Eco when a super-sexy mute kid was really young and hadn't learned to talk?" asked Jak, in the most cocky voice possible.

"Breakin' the forth wall a bit there..."

"I'll boot you through the fifth wall in a minute"

"The fifth wall?"

"The ceiling." They both burst into beer induced laughter, an walked to the girls who DID seem to have a thing for orange weasels that fell into vats of Dark Eco when a super-sexy mute kid was really young and hadn't learned to talk. The lord works in mysterious ways...

THE FOLLOWING MORNING... IN CAPS LOCK

Jak awoke to see Praxis' ghost looking down at him. In the rudest place possible.

"Ahhhhhhh! Do you have to look in that place in particular?" screeched Jak.

"I'm a bisexual, whadda you expect?" replied Praxis, with a a knowing smile on his face.

"Your bi?

"Well, the author wants me to be, and Naughty Dog wants you to go through puberty aroundish fifteen years late."

"I went through puberty at 13, thank you very much!"

"Yes! I can't believe I got that out of you! The boys on will be SO intrigued by this!"

"I have a fan site?"

"Yes, mostly populated by gays and bisexuals. I infiltrated Torn's computer history and found that most of his time was spent there..."

"Can you cut to the chase please? I expect that everybody reading this would love to hear about Torn's secret (s) but we really must be getting on with the story" said Jak.

FOURTH WALL BREAK COUNT: 3

I think...?

"To give your Dark form full strength, you must go to the Hip Hog Heaven bar." said Praxis, in a voice worthy of a story continuative character (continuative isn't even a word... HA!)

"I got to go to bar to make myself stronger? WOO HOO! C'mon, Dax, we're going to the bar!" said Jak happily.

"Again? Oh man... I've already got one hangover... I'll get my goggles..."

TRANSITION SEQUENCE TO AVOID POINTLESS WRITING

They arrived at the bar to find it completely empty. Except for two people.

GOL AND MAIA. UNFOURTUNATELY, NOT IN PINK FLUFFY UNDERWEAR.

"Gol and Maia? What are you doing here?" shouted Jak.

"We are here to finish you off! You humiliated us so badly! We're here to destroy you for good!" screeched Maia.

"Uhhhh... yeah. What she said." grunted Gol.

"Finish me off? Yeah right. Daxter?" smiled Jak, "Play track 59."

"Jak? Are you sure? Track 59?" said a worried Daxter, who was pulling out a stereo from behind his magical ear that shall be explained later in this story.

"Yes. Track 59."

"Ok, whatever you say..." Daxter placed the disk into the stereo, and Jak glared malevolently at Gol and Maia.

The stereo began to play:

_Sunshine, lollipops and, rainbows!_

Jak curled into a ball as bolts of Dark Eco hit his skull. His eyes glared with the darkness of 27,563 Dark Eco silos, and his skin turned the whitest of the white... he was the new, improved... DARK LOLLIPOP LADY!

I mean, DARK JAK! MUHAHAHAHAHA! Etc. etc.. A Dark Blast filled the room, and where Gol and Maia were stood seconds before, there were very small piles of dust.

"I've... never... felt... this much... POWER!" exclaimed Dark Jak, as the entire night shook with evil.

SOMEWHERE FAR, FAR AWAY FROM THERE

"Finally, my plan is coming into place..." said a shadowy figure "Praxis is doing well... but I will need more strength if I wish to eradicate him... Natalie?"

"Yes sir?"

"Hypnotise the father..."

"But he's dead."

"Hmm... slight technicality... call the author... we have someone that we need to call from the dead..."

DUNDUNDUNNNNNNN!!!!!

REVIEW! Please...?

Pretty please?

Pretty please with vats of Dark Eco on top? Thank you.


	3. ZOMBIES!

A/N: The next chapter, now with 0.2 storyline!

Chapter 3

ZOMBIES!

Jak was at home, resting. His night around town was a complete blur to him. All he could remember was that song... that evil song!

_Sunshine, lollipops and, rainbows!_

That was about it.

"Why can't I remember!?!" shouted Jak. He had been plagued with bad dreams, mainly nightmares, things involving PINK. FLUFFY. UNDERWEAR., which as you could gather, was not the best thing to be dreaming about.

"I see you're awake." said a voice from nowhere. Praxis' ghost manifested itself, and appeared in front of Jak's bed.

"Yaaaaah! I'm not wearing any underwear! Get out! GET OUT!" Praxis burst into laughter, but let Jak be. For then, anyway. A few seconds later, Jak heard a BANG, and everybody he knew, Ashelin, Keira, Razor, Daxter and many more stormed into his bedroom. And stared.

"Praxis! I'm gonna get you for this!" shouted Jak. There was no reply. "PRAXIS!" Not even the crowd responded. They had all lost the shine in their Animé-esque eyes. And their ears were less pointy than normal, or that was just Jak.

"ZOMBIES! ZOMBIES ON THE LOOSE!"

SOMEWHERE, VERY FAR AWAY

"Umm, boss?"

"Yes, what?"

"You're plan backfired. He's infected everyone with ZOMBIENESS."

"Was there any need for the Caps Lock and the full stop?"

"Every need, sir."

"Very well... ZOMBIES! If I weren't such a forgiving person, you'd be fired! OUT OF A CANNON!"

"But sir, it was your idea..."

"MY idea? Are you mad, boy! Why would I come up with such a ridiculous-"

"This is a special news bulletin, coming live from your turned off TV. Zombies are roaming the streets of Haven City, and it was all YOUR idea."

"Damn those turned off TV bulletins... how do we destroy them?"

"Well, sir, you have to kill the first ZOMBIE!! that originated. But, I'm sure that someone else will... like Jak"

"Jak wouldn't kill his own father..."

"But sir, you are-"

"SHUT UP! We must keep the readers in suspense"

"Actually, sir, I was going to say that you are out of coffee. Would you like some more?"

"OK."


	4. The Dead Have Pointy Ears

A/N: I apologise for the previous chapter, I wanted to write something crazily random about zombies. Oh, and there is a missing part of Chapter 2, when Praxis says the boys on, it should then say but Open Office turned it into a link, and it got removed.

Chapter 4

The Dead Have Pointy Ears

BANG! BANG! The force of the explosion knocked the zombies out of Jak's house. As Jak stepped outside, he found that everybody, including EVERYBODY, had become zombies.

"Damn it!" shouted Jak, as the zombies began to get back up, "You can't kill these things!"

"Join us... Jak... it's bliss... and you get free brains..." moaned a zombified Daxter.

"Are you saying I'm thick? Stupid otsel! You go squish now!" Jak fired his Supernova. They all just got back up. "How is this happening!?!?" Jak said to himself.

_Jaaaaaak... use the force...Oh, I mean, uuuuuse your dark pooooowers..._

"I guess I have no choice..." Jak tried to transform into his dark self, but it wasn't working. "What is going on!? I should normally be able to transform when I curl up into a ball and act like a cissy girl!" he shouted.

_The sooong, Jak, the song!_

"The song? Oh! The one I keep hearing in my dreams! Thank you, ominous voice from nowhere!" replied Jak. "Now, to remember the song... how did it go..."

HOORAY! FLASHBACK!

"_Track 59?"_

"_Yes. Track 59"_

"_OK, whatever you say... gulp"_

_**Sunshine, lollipops and, rainbows...**_

OHHH... NO MORE FLASHBACK

"That's it! Sunshine, lollipops and, rainbows!" Jak once again transformed into a stronger, but less controllable Dark self.Every zombie was obliterated, but then again, so was everybody else...

SOMEWHERE, A LONG WAY FROM-

"Oh, shut UP! We all KNOW that me and boss are far away, can you at least give us some ominous intro music?"

"Umm... no."

"Well, Nastia, do you see? I was right. Jak killed them all..."

"Actually, sir, that's what I said..."

"Shut up and get me more coffee. I came up with the idea"

"This is a turned-off TV Special Report. No you didn't."

"Damn it! Fire that woman!

"This is a turned-off TV Special Report. You can't do that."

"DAMN IT!"

Thank you, and goodnight.

Please R&R!


	5. This is a turned off TV

Chapter 5: This is a turned off TV...

"Hello, and welcome to this turned-off TV Special Report. Everybody in Haven City is dead. Completely dead. But yet we have all returned back to life due to a time based paradox that the author has no time or patience to explain. In other news, the hit gay boy band Torn's World have started their tour of the Wastelands. They all died. It was a terrible tragedy, but then everybody remembered that they didn't like Torn and got on with their lives. Thank you, and good nightdayafternoonmidmorning."

Jak stared at the TV for about three seconds, and then a spectral evil dude, today wearing PINK. FLUFFY. TIGHTS. WHICH. CAN. BE. CLASSIFIED. AS. UNDERWEAR appeared in front of Jak and knocked him off-balance.

"Good morning, Sunshine."

"Keep away from me, you freak."

"That's not a nice way to say hello to your boyfriend."

"YOU ARE NOT MY BOYFRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" shouted Jak to Praxis with an over-use of exclamation marks. The over-use of exclamation marks soon changed into question marks as Keira walked in.

"Hi Jak!"said Keira in a voice so girly and girl-like that it has made the author wretch in sickness.

"Hi Keira!" replied Jak, and they were soon hugging and kissing each other in such a way that the author had to wretch again.

"This is a Turned-off TV Special Report. Jak is cheating on Keira with Praxis." Keira stared at Jak, and then proceeded to S.L.A.P (Seriously Lecture A Person) Jak. But then another voice came.

"This is a Turned-off radio Special Report. Everything the television says is a complete and utter lie. And somebody has installed cameras in Jak's house, and they are watching everything he does. Like that TV show Big Brother, but with pointier ears."

"That's useful "said Jak "Now, Keira, let us all go for a drink at the now-the-author-has-remembered-to-rename Naughty Otsel."

"Hang on," said Keira "What about the cameras the radio was talking about?????"

"What cameras?"

SOMEWHERE, WHICH IS NOT THERE, BUT SOMEWHERE ELSE.

"Sir, I have your coffee."

"Thank you. Now, I must execute the next stage of my plan. May I remind the reader that this chapter actually has something to do with the actual storyline, and my plan, but as you know, mine and Nastia's screen time only appears at the end of a Chapter, so you'll have to wait for it. Insert strangely annoying maniacal laughter here."

"Master, you wet your bed again last night..."

"Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP!"

Thank you, and good nightdawnduskmorningsistermaniacallaughterPRINGLES.

Please R&R!

Love from minishroom.

We thank you, Dark Eco Angel, our only reviewer, and the one that inspired us.


	6. Whozilawitsel?

Chapter 6: Whozallawhitsel?

"The second part of the plan can be executed. I shall now reveal myself as the one you call..."

"Find out next week on East Otsels!"

"Aww, man I have to wait until next week?" said Daxter to the TV, "That sucks. Jak, how're you doing on those cameras?"

"I'm doing fine, but it would be better if you started helping me!"

"But I can't be bothered!"

"Lazy otsel..." Jak went back to his work. Keira had ordered him to uninstall the cameras secretly put into Jak's house when he wasn't looking after some footage of censored in case of younger readers had been placed up on MeTube, sister website of TheirTube. Keira got very angry at this, and so prompted to write a very angry letter to the staff at MeTube. They replied by saying that the way she writes indicates that she is being written herself by a person with a twisted mind. But, come on, that's impossible, right? So, Jak was doing that, when Praxis suddenly stuck his out of the wall, shocking Jak and causing him to fall over.

"PRAXIS!"

"Don't get angry now darling. I'm only here to arrange a deal with you about your dark form."

"A deal?" said a now very un-angry Jak, who had picked himself up off the floor and was proceeding to get his MP70777 from the mantelpiece, "What kind of deal?"

"I can't discuss it with you now, but meet me in Very Dark Alley at 12:00AM so we can talk deals. And underpants."

"Less of the underpants."

"Fine, darling."

"Do not call me darling, freakozoid."

SOMEWHERE, VERY FAR AWAY, BUT NOT AT THE END OF A CHAPTER

"Sir, are you sure you should be going to Very Dark Alley at exactly 12:00AM, which also happens to be the exact time just mentioned by Praxis to Jak for them to meet which I shouldn't know about because according to the title of our section we are SOMEWHERE, VERY FAR AWAY."

"Why do you think Praxis arranged the time? Jak is going to meet me face-to-face. Not Praxis. Me."

"Oooooooooooooooooooooh, so that's why..."

"You dimwit. I am going off; make sure Sir Floppy Ears gets his rabbit food. If he doesn't, you know the price."

"Yes sir..."

BACK TO JAK

"Hmm... it's 12:00AM, but Praxis isn't here yet... I wonder where he could be...

"Hello, Jak." A tall man in a long, black villainous coat was barely visible in the shadows.

"Who are you?"

"I am the mysterious man from the end of each chapter."

"Show me your face!" Jak shouted. The tall man in a long, black villainous coat stepped into the small pool of light generated by a hovering lamppost. His face appeared, a black oval with a large white "?" in the middle.

"Dear lord! You have used the magic of computer technology to obscure your face!" exclaimed Jak.

"No, you fool! This is my face! Never mind, just listen to me. I know that your dark powers can be amplified by using the first line of track 59, but what about the whole song...?"

"No! You'll kill us all!" Jak shouted as the tall man in a long, dark, villainous coat with a face that looks like a black oval with a "?" in the middle pulled out an MP80000 Player and pressed the play button.

_Sunshine, lollipops and rainbows,_

_Everything that's wonderful is what I feel when,_

_We're together._

_Brighter than a lucky,_

_Penny, when your near the,_

_Brink of disappearing,_

_You make me feel so fine,_

_Just let me know that you are mine!_

Jak was curled up in fear, but as the song faded out, he did not become dark. Instead, he just stared blankly at the floor.

"Now, tell me, what is your name?"

"Subject 1337. I live to serve Emperor R-R."

"Yes... very good. Nobody will suspect...RAZOR! Mwuhahahaha!"

To be continued...


End file.
